comix & etx by a weenie

Monday, December 22, 2008

grant update 12/19/08 1:36 pm

grant walked up to my desk and stared at me for a minute. nothing unusual.

to break the silence, i asked him how he was. nothing unusual. he responded with a "gooooooooooooooooooooood!"

then he asked me how i was. i responded with a "gooooooooooooooooooooood!"

then he asked me if i wanted to go to lunch with "them" (being the dudes in creative).

"no!"

"you're smarter than i give you credit for."

sometimes i wish that when he talked, i understood.

just then, bill walked around the corner and asked me what my problem was. i looked him right in the eye and said "YOU."

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

grant update 12/17/08 9:07 am



for desi ♥

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

grant update 12/15/08

grant walked into the office and sang "good morning!!" at me. it made me suspicious.

-----

grant walked up to me and asked if i'd like to go down to the casbah for an audition in the morning, for some video he's in charge of casting.

"no, thank you."

"it'll be just like getting your picture taken."

"i hate getting my picture taken."

"oh."

this is true, i hate getting my picture taken. i do it, but i don't like it.

-----

i notice that grant is barefoot. i ask him why.

"oh, my socks got wet when i went to lunch!"

this makes sense - it's a rare rainy & windy day in san diego.

his toes are super hairy, wet socks are no excuse for showing them to me.

Friday, December 5, 2008

melange du grant

(this is for grady.)

i've been keeping meticulous notes, but i've been forgetting to post them. i think it's best and easiest if i get them all out of my system today.

---

grant and i have just become friends on facebook.

---

two days ago all of his sweaters were dirty, which was a shame, because he wanted to wear one. he also really liked the sweater i was wearing. we had a conversation about sweaters the entire time we were in an elevator together.

that same day, renee's sweater had a hole in it.

---

grant walked up to my desk yesterday and leaned against it. he appeared to be thinking. he looked over at chris and said "wouldn't chris make a good model for abercrombie and fitch?"

"no," i said.

he ignored me. "he'd make a good calendar model, too. hey!" then he looked at me, engaging. "we could do a calendar of the men who work here."

"that," i said, "is an awesome idea. could it be nude?"

"oh yeah, everyone could pose with a mouse covering their... situation."

i laughed and laughed.

---

in front of a large group, grant walked up to my desk and asked, loudly, "has my knitting fancy arrived yet?"

---

so, grant's show. i took notes. and then i forgot to keep taking notes. but i have the ones i took, right in front of me right now, and i'm going to transcribe them.

9:34
grant canyon
grant tetons
grant baked cinnamon rolls

underblowing

9:37
soundcheck

9:38
i'm not offended by the sound of the soundcheck

grant is a liar

10:08
grant came to my table. i introduced him to my friends. "you have friends?" he asked. "fuck you," i said. he patted my shoulder.

10:16
grant bought a cake to the table
he asked if i would light candles and carry it to his friend on his signal
i said ok.

10:22
they're starting. grant says it's going to be a special night and that he's going to explain it as he goes along.

[end of notes]

the point at which i stopped taking notes was the point at which grant's band started playing. which is unfortunate, because i'm sure i would have written down some more awesome nonsense.

the thing about grant's band, and i can say this with the absolute clarity of someone who didn't start drinking beers until after the band played, is that one of their songs reminded me of some song from the early 90s that i never could place, and another reminded me of a motley crue song. i wish i could have heard better to distinguish lyrics (and then make fun of them), but the sound system was shitty. and i can't say a single thing about grant's stage presence, because after about ten seconds of looking i got freaked out and had to look elsewhere.

and then he made me do that thing with the birthday cake, which meant walking up to the stage and holding a cake with a bunch of candles in front of his friend, while everyone sang and looked at me, which also freaked me out.

and then he referred to me as eileen, which harkened back to the days when we first started working together and he used to always make that horrible irene/eileen joke, but which freaked out all of my coworkers, because they thought he thought my name was actually eileen, and that would have been really weird.

after the show, some coworker friends and i were standing around waiting to tell him good job and good night, and he looked at us and incredulously asked "you guys hang out together?"

---

grant's band is playing tonight. as in this friday, december 5th, at my very favorite bar in san diego. I CAN'T WAIT.

Monday, November 10, 2008

grant update 11/10/08 3:58 pm

earlier grant came up to my chair, knelt down and put a camera in my face. i looked at him like wtf. he told me not to look at him. he snapped some photos. then he left.

i have no idea what's going on with those pictures.

just now, he was mumbling something about a "nibbly tease" which i think was in reference to a snack but it's grant, you can never be too sure, and i'm too busy to ask him questions about every dumb thing he says to me today.

also i do have an update about his show but i'm still in the process of letting it all sink in. soon!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

grant update 11/5/08 4:25pm

i did this transcription for greg. i listened to this same ten minutes about fifty times today. it was some doctor, speaking about mental illness. i identified that guy as "speaker." there was this other guy doing the recording who kept prompting the "speaker." i identified him as "other guy."

it was grant.

Monday, November 3, 2008

grant update 11/3/08 11:06 am

i had to give grant something, so i walked over to his desk and handed it to him. it was on a lavender piece of paper which he said matched his eye so he stuck it up under his glasses to demonstrate. he poked himself in the eye with it.

"hey, grant," i say, "how come i didn't get a flyer for your show?"

"oh," he says, "it's only for ugly people."

"oh," i say.

"do you want to come?" he asks.

"yes," i reply.

he starts to hand me a flyer and i tell him that no, i already got one, through different channels.

"well, good then," he says.

as i'm walking away he says "don't sit in the front row, unless you're wearing something waterproof."

Friday, October 31, 2008

grant update 10/31/08 5:10 pm

all day, grant has been pestering me about "connecting the dots" - that is, giving myself more of a unibrow. all day i have been telling him to leave me alone about it. finally, near three, i told him very loudly to "STOP SAYING THAT!!"

he did, i give him credit. but then he just start doing weird connecty hand gestures at me every time he passed my way.

as he was leaving, i said "good night grant" & also "happy halloween!"

he grinned and said "you, too! have a good night... i hope it COMES TOGETHER!!" and burst into laughter.

incorrigible.

he didn't even WEAR a costume today.

very important grant update

months of gathering grantformation have finally paid off.

HIS BAND IS PLAYING A SHOW NEXT THURSDAY.

we're all so there. it's totes free.

***

grant walked to renee's desk and set a piece of paper down and just stood there.

she looked at it, saw that it was a flyer for this show, said something to him about it, he said nothing & walked away. that grant.

several hours later she relayed this information to me. i was kind of mad that she didn't tell me immediately.

he didn't give me a flyer, but i'll be sure to bring it up next time he's standing around my desk not speaking.

grant update 10/30/08 4:55 pm

grant is back in the office today after a really long vacation.

just now he finally decides to talk to me & comes over to my desk.

"soooooo..." he says, and stares at me.

"can i get you something, grant?"

"how about a martini?" he asks.

"seriously, grant, do you need something?"

"yes, a granola bar."

i sigh.

i thought his vacation would never end.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

grant update 10/8/08 1:27 pm

grant walks up to me and makes a stunning observation.

"you're like half therapist... half concession stand."

Monday, September 22, 2008

Monday, August 11, 2008

grant update 8/11/08 10:36 am

grant just walked into the office, picking his nose with no shame whatsoever.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

grant update 7/22/08 5:15 pm

grant & i walked to our cars together after work yesterday. they are parked in the garage, and we park right next to each other but not on purpose, because they are the closest spots next to the elevator. we are both lazy.

on the way we discussed several items of interest:

1.) he is a repressed white dude
2.) he should go to therapy
3.) i should be a therapist
4.) he feels compelled to tell me things

i told him that this is a pretty common reaction to me, wanting to spill your guts in my face, and that i am pretty okay with it. in general. but that maybe he should keep most things to himself, since we all know he likes to verge on inappropriate territory.

then he told me i should move to south park.

oh, O-KAY, grant.

Monday, July 21, 2008

grant update 7/21/08 5:05 pm

a little while ago, grant was - SURPRISE! - rifling through the snack bowl. greg came over and asked me to help him with something. i smiled at greg because he is totally dreamy, like jason bateman in his mid-twenties, and told him i would be happy to help him with whatever he needed help with.

grant turns to greg and says "i don't know why she's nice to you, she smiled and everything."

greg does not know what the fuck he is talking about, most likely, but they walk away, talking.

as expected, grant returns to my desk after his little conversation with greg is over.

"grant," i say, "i'm nice to you, too."

he looks at me and says "if you knew me better, you wouldn't be."

"oh, well, then i won't be."

pause.

"one less person around here to have to pretend to like."

Friday, July 18, 2008

grant update 7/18/08 1:27 pm

dan is standing at my desk, digging through the snack bowl for blue jolly ranchers, which he always eats.

"why are the blue ones always so sticky?!" he asks.

"you know," i say "stephanie made that same comment yesterday and it's true - the blue ones are always weird & melty!"

dan says "yeah, your fingers get all sticky when you open them..."

grant, walking by and always eavesdropping on my conversations, must have heard dan ask "do your fingers get all sticky when you open them?" and pipes up. "that's a really personal question, dan!"

in the five seconds it took me to comprehend that grant was making some kind of weird sexual innuendo about sticky fingers and opening things up, my face went from normal to bright red.

"that was really inappropriate, grant," i said.

"probably," he snickered, and walked out the door.

dan was really confused. "was grant making fun of me?" he asks.

"i don't know dan," i sigh, "i don't know."

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

grant update: fourfer

7/14/08 9:17 am

"you're back!"

and off he runs.

7/14/07 1:07 pm

grant's wife and baby came to visit him for lunch. they went out... somewhere.

but before they went out, they visited the snack bowl and let the baby pick something out. no, wait, they didn't. they picked something out for her. it was plain lays potato chips. wife and baby were both very nice, grant - weird as ever.

7/15/08 4:47 pm

grant walks over to my desk, as he does approximately 50072 times a day. ostensibly to get snacks. but he rarely, if ever, takes snacks. he just spies on me.

"so, grant, you have a really cute baby. and tiny! she's really tiny." this is all true. facts which i am stating to grant because he is standing around my desk again.

"yes," he says. "well, she eats a lot." apropos of NOT WHAT I WAS SAYING. "but she also poops a lot."

he turns to walk away, having bestowed upon me this gift of important information.

as he walks away he says "she's like a fleshy tube."

oh, grant.

7/16/08 12:54 pm

grants laugh is more of a guffaw than anything else.

he is guffawing right now.

Friday, June 27, 2008

grant update 6/27/08 3:06 pm

grant comes over singing some song about how he wants an ice cream cone.

"do you have an ice cream cone?"

"no, grant, i don't."

he starts to walk away. then he turns around and says "how are you doing today? are you good? DO YOU EVER HAVE MOMENTS WHERE YOU'RE REALLY CONTENT?" and i say "well, not here, grant." and he laughs or whatever. then he says "i get the impression you're not really... yourself..." *rubs his slight beard* "...well, if i could explain it, i'd be a lot smarter than i am now."

and i say "self-actualized?"

and he says, "oh, yes!" and then we have a little conversation about life, me being in my mid-twenties and how it's a rough time for women. but then he clarifies that it's not a rough time for women but "it's a rough time for men who have to be with them." and i say "oh yeah, grant, then the men of the world are lucky, because they don't have to be with me" & i scowl at him. and he says "i didn't mean!" and then he starts to walk away.

but he turns around OF COURSE and says "i'm very familiar with women in that stage of their life" and i say "well, so am i" and he says "i think we have a lot in common."

if we both think he is a freak, then we DEFINITELY have a lot in common.

also, i like ice cream.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

grant update 6/24/08 12:08 pm

grant was walking out to lunch, after returning twenty minutes ago from a hour long coffee break, not that i'm paying attention or anything.

"hey grant, i guess you can look at it." i say, handing him the notebook. "well, now i don't want to." "oh, well, fuck you then." so he comes over to look at it anyway and of course flips through it in a way that is extremely annoying and he laughs while he does it and then he says "you're so secretive" and i say "well, i have a lot of secrets" and he says "i bet you do."

& then he says this is a really awesome notebook & goes to lunch, where i'm sure he will be for two hours, at least.

not that i am paying attention or anything!

grant update 6/24/08 11:11 am

last night grant and i ended up in the parking garage elevator at the same time. it was awkward.

just now, grant came over the snack bowl OF COURSE, looked at my desk, and said "hey, can i see that?!" pointing to a tiny little notebook in which i am writing a very secret letter to melissa. i said "NO!" and he said "oh, is it personal?" and i said "YES!" thinking about all the things i have written down about him in it. shit. he said "i just wanted to see the cover." "too bad, grant," i said.

he walked away and said "you're sassy, miss!"

zounds.

it does have a pretty awesome squirrel on the cover. i suppose he has good taste.

Monday, June 23, 2008

grant update 6/23/08 4:26 pm

two hours ago i asked him to email me something. he said okay, as soon as i finish this.

he was in the middle of an obviously very serious photoshoot with dan, don't ask.

he said, oh, send me an email so i remember.

so i sent him an email, in french and everything.

he still hasn't sent it to me & he is definitely done with that photoshoot. i can see him sitting at his desk right now with his giant headphones on & i know he is just trying to irritate me.

he is totally banned from snacks again!

Friday, June 20, 2008

grant update 6/20/08 11:10 am

i think he is spying on me!

robyn was at my desk & i told her that bright orange was a really nice color for her because it is and she is like, looking really good today. & ten seconds later grant comes around the corner and says "robyn, you look really nice in that shirt!" & then he looked at me & squinted/smiled.

!!!

maybe he is on to me!

shit.

he just came around the corner again.

i'm going to have to be more stealth about all of this.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

re: grant

to explain the previous blog & any future ones that might re: grant:

he is the art director where i work. he has a website which i discovered yesterday during a very cursory google search of his full name. the second day i worked at this place was a friday, so a whole bunch of us went out for happy hour. despite my best intentions i am fairly certain i got drunk. during the course of the evening, grant and i got into a very serious discussion about being native san diegans and did i move down to san diego with a boyfriend or alone and also how he looks just like my ex-bf john stafford, if you could somehow project john stafford ten years into the future. i then decided i would much rather talk to john stafford than grant, so i started text messaging him, effectively ending the very first stupid conversation i had with grant.

anyway, grant always makes me slightly uncomfortable on account of how he is always acting like such a freak & forcing me into weird conversations.

but i have a special place in my heart for him, on account of how he looks like future john & on account of all the mysteriousness.

grant update 06/19/08 3:20 pm

(this is part two in a series of myspace bulletins about grant, all of which will in the future be turned into blogs.)

so grant walks over to the my desk just a few minutes ago, presumably to get some kind of snack from the snack bowl. he's fishing around in there and so i say hello & how is your day going & he says ok, i'm getting things done! and i say me, too! and go back to typing whatever really important myspace message or survey i was working on.

clickety clickety clack.

i thought he was going to leave since we'd just had another monumentally stupid and boring exchange but instead he asks "so, do you ever do freelance work?" & i am thinking what the fuck are you talking about? but i say "what kind of freelance work, grant?" and he says "oh, i don't know." and then he stares at me with this half smile half dazed expression and says (to me or to himself i am not sure) "that's something to think about." and i am thinking "yes, THIS IS ALL SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT." then he starts to walk away. and so i say "that was really weird, grant, you're a really weird guy." and he says "why?" and i have no response.

so then he really does walk away & as he does he turns around to tell me that he's decided, just then, that he doesn't like chocolate. i am in full agreement of chocolate's grossness* so i say "actually, grant, i don't like chocolate either. it's pretty much nasty." and he says "yeah, weird," and walks out the office door.

when he came back through just now, he was obviously still pondering the thought of me doing freelance work for him and really, i can't wait for tomorrow or the next time he comes to the snack bowl, because there is more to this mystery to be revealed!

obviously, i am in love with all of this mystery and intruige.

& grant.

*this whole thing happened right after i came from the kitchen, where i was explaining to shuz that i wasn't going to eat any cake becos it was nasty chocolate and also where i had to explain to andrew that tuna sandwiches are nasty, too, since they're all full of mayonaise. as i was walking away, andrew shoved me & told me to get out of there. i think it's because of all the SASS.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

photobooth conversations

introducing johnny!

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